I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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