Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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