god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
