life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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