at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
i now understand why vodka
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
