Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
