Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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