If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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