my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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