Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
