i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
