No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
