someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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