She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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