Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize