whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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