dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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