i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
