just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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