Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
