When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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