I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
