I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
