Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
