On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
