You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
