just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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