im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
