if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
