I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
