TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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