On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
