I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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