i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
