He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
God I need to hump something, right now.
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