Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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