Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
