your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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