its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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