i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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