best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
