does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
