I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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