How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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