if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
