this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
