As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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