This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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