Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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