If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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