I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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