Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
