You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
