I wannas sexs uuuuu
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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