so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
