I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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