Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
