so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize