I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
