remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fuck appropriateness.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
